Infertility and Your Relationship: The Grief Nobody Talks About
This is personal for me too
I navigated infertility. I know what it is like to want something that deeply and to have your body not cooperate. I know what it is like to sit through baby showers while grieving. To feel simultaneously broken and desperate and exhausted.
I also know what infertility does to a relationship. And I want to talk about that because not enough people do.
What infertility does to couples
It puts you through something together that is profoundly hard while simultaneously threatening to put you on opposite sides of it.
You may grieve differently. One of you may want to talk constantly and the other may need to go quiet. One may be ready to try another round of treatment and the other may be at their limit. One may be able to find hope and the other may be protecting themselves from more disappointment.
Those differences are not signs of incompatibility. They are signs that you are two different people grieving the same thing in different ways. But without communication they can start to feel like distance.
What also happens
Sex can start to feel like a job. Or a reminder of failure. The thing that used to be about connection can become medicalized and scheduled and loaded with meaning that has nothing to do with intimacy.
Some couples come through infertility closer. Some come through it changed in ways that take time to understand. Some do not come through it at all.
What makes the difference is usually communication. The ability to say what you actually need even when it is different from what your partner needs. That is where therapy helps.
Candace Lance is a Marriage and Family Therapy Intern (MFT-I) with Aspire Counseling Services supervised by Stefanie Petersen, LMFT. Candace is seeing new clients in Layton in Davis County, Utah and telehealth throughout Utah. If you are seeking mental health support, you can reach out to Candace and she can help direct you to the intake team for your initial appointment. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988. If this is an emergency, please call 911.
