The Five Communication Stances: Which One Do You Default To Under Stress?

Under pressure we all default to something

Virginia Satir observed that when people feel stressed, threatened or unsafe in a relationship they default to one of four survival stances. These stances develop early, usually in childhood, as ways of managing difficult family dynamics.

They work in the short term. They create problems in the long term. And they run largely automatically until you make them conscious.

The fifth stance is different from the others. It is the goal rather than the survival response. Here are all five.

Placating

The placate keeps the peace at any cost. Agrees when they do not agree. Apologizes when they have done nothing wrong. Puts everyone else's needs above their own and then wonders why they feel invisible and resentful.

Underneath the placating is a fear. If I disagree, if I have needs, if I take up space, I will lose the relationship or the approval of the people I love.

Placating looks like kindness from the outside. It is actually a survival strategy built on a belief that your own worth is conditional.

Blaming

The blamer points outward. Nothing is ever their fault. The problem is always the other person, the situation, the circumstances. They come in loud and certain and leave the other person feeling attacked and defensive.

Underneath the blaming is vulnerability. A person who blames is usually terrified of being blamed. The offense is the best defense.

Blaming looks like strength from the outside. It is actually a protection strategy built on a terror of being found inadequate.

Computing

The computer stays rational and removes emotion from the equation. They analyze, explain and intellectualize. They are very reasonable and very hard to actually connect with.

Underneath the computing is a belief that feelings are dangerous. That logic is safe and emotion is a liability. That if they stay in their head they cannot be hurt.

Computing looks like competence from the outside. It is actually a distancing strategy that keeps real intimacy just out of reach.

Distracting

The distracter changes the subject, makes a joke, moves the conversation somewhere else every time it gets close to something real. They are often the most fun person in the room and the hardest person to actually have a serious conversation with.

Underneath the distracting is overwhelm. Things feel like too much and humor or deflection is the only way to manage that.

Distracting looks like lightness from the outside. It is actually an avoidance strategy that prevents the real conversations from ever happening.

Leveling — the goal

The leveler communicates congruently. What they say matches what they feel which matches what they mean. They can be honest without being brutal. Direct without being aggressive. Vulnerable without being destabilized.

Leveling is not a stance you either have or do not have. It is a capacity that develops with practice and safety and support.

It is the goal. And it is absolutely reachable.

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